Don't Miss These Free Giveaways at Amazon Through the End of September!

Swallow All Meaning, created with Polyvore.

I have lots of giveaways scheduled at Amazon over the next few days, so be sure to snap these up:

FREE Fri, Sept 25th - Shadow Schism (novel) & The Equipment (short story)
FREE Sat, Sept 26th - Shadow Schism (novel)
FREE Sun, Sept 27th - The Factory (short story)
FREE Mon, Sept 28th -  The Factory (short story)
FREE Tues, Sept 29th - The Factory (short story) & Dead Lay (novelette)

Dreaded Sweater

The sweater Reginald's grandmother had knitted made him terribly itchy. Not just normal itchy, but prickly, burning, must-scratch-until-I'm-raw-and-bleeding itchy.

In fact, if Reginald hadn't known any better, he would have thought the darned thing was infested with bugs. His skin got red and puffy whenever he put it on, and his eyes swelled. He had to take a Benadryl just to survive wearing it.

"Don't be so ungrateful!" Reginald's mother chided him. "Your grandmother worked painstakingly on that sweater! Do you know how long it takes to knit with cat hair?"

Flight Envy

Image: "Flight Envy," created with Polyvore. 

Dreaded Sweater, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  First published on bubblews.com.  It also appears (adapted) in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

A Life of Worry

Mabel worried all the time. She worried that she would have a gruesome fatal accident, so she stopped driving. She worried that she would slip in the shower and crack her skull open, so she resorted to only taking sponge baths. She worried that she might step on a nail or fall down a manhole, so she stopped walking any further from her house than her mailbox. She had rendered herself a recluse. 
Although Mabel loved beef, pork, and poultry, she stopped eating meat because she worried that she would choke on a lump of gristle. However, she was also worried that she might cut herself chopping vegetables, so she now ate only baby food purees. The fact of the matter was that Mabel was so paralyzed with worry that she might do something that would inadvertently result in her demise that she tried not to do anything at all. She spent her days watching reality television from her sofa, where she sat nearly motionless, surrounded by soft, nonthreatening pillows. 
One evening, as Mabel reclined in her bubble of safety while watching The Biggest Loser, a meteor, traveling at great velocity, randomly hurtled in from space. It crashed through her roof and came to rest directly on top of Mabel and her innocuous sofa. 
She was killed instantly.

Vulnerability

For similar absurd meanderings, check out the following: 

Mothballs Could Have Saved Her

Samantha, the Coupon Queen

Such a Shame

The Hangnail

A Life of Worry, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  This also appears in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

Image created with Polyvore.

Susie's Transformation

Run, Little Ones

Susie was a timid, shy girl. In fact, she shrank from all human contact, cowering when adults spoke to her and answering their questions in little more than a tiny whisper. 
Susie's mother had begun to worry about her daughter's social development. Susie refused to even go outside and, except for when her presence was absolutely required elsewhere in the house, she preferred to remain safely isolated behind the closed door of her bedroom, where she carried on long conversations with her stuffed animals. 
Susie's father didn't believe there was anything wrong with his little girl. 
"She doesn't need therapy!" he told his wife adamantly. "Susie's seven. So she's shy. So what? She'll grow out of it." 
But her mother wasn't so sure. To be on the safe side, she began to research treatments online.
 "Susie?" she called to her daughter one morning. "Susie, come get a yummy snack!" 
Susie dutifully appeared in the kitchen and climbed up onto a stool at the counter. Silently, she began to eat her cookies and juice. 
"Mommy?" she whispered hesitantly in a tiny squeak of a voice. "Mommy, this juice tastes funny..." 
"Don't worry," her mother said. "I just added vitamins to it. Drink up!" 
Susie screwed up her face at the taste, but she drank the contents of the cup. After she was done, she wiped her mouth, burped once, and then she suddenly began to grow. 
The previous evening, her mother had found an interesting recipe online for an elixir that was supposed to give the imbiber confidence. Admittedly, she had found it on a dubious site about secret ancient ceremonies, rituals, and recipes, but the ancient Mayans had apparently considered the elixir very powerful, so she just mixed it with kool-aid and gave it a try. 
Susie grew and grew. Her little girl dress became tight against her and then ripped right off of her. And still she grew. 
Her mother was wide-eyed, unsure what to do. Her husband was never going to let her hear the end of this. 
Susie grew until she was the size of a giant. She was a giant, naked seven year old girl. She surveyed her surroundings and suddenly realized that she no longer felt timid. In fact, she felt downright gregarious. What did she have to be afraid of? People were unlikely to be able to hurt her. In fact, she could hurt them. 
Susie proceeded to smash her way out of her house. Venturing outside for the first time in ages, she happily tromped down her street, joyously stepping on people and knocking over houses.



Susie's Transformation, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  This also appears in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

*Image created with Polyvore. 

The Virtues of Good Posture

For years, her mother had drilled it into her. 

"Sit up straight! You'll ruin your posture!" 

In Sally's household, good posture was next to godliness. 

"Only slackers slump!" her mother always cautioned as she put her daughter through rigorous posture exercises for hours each day. These initially involved balancing a book on her head but grew more elaborate and difficult as Sally got older and her mother got more OCD. 

One day, while balancing a large stack of garden stones on her forehead, Sally's neck unexpectedly gave out and her head fell off her shoulders with an unceremonious "plop." 

Although racked with guilt for subjecting her daughter to such arduous (and, as it had turned out, dangerous) exercises, Sally's mother couldn't help but feel a secret hint of pride when she saw how straight her daughter lay in her coffin.

Improving Posture and Balance

The Virtues of Good Posture, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  This also appears in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

For similar absurd meanderings, check out the following: 

Mothballs Could Have Saved Her

Samantha, the Coupon Queen

Such a Shame

The Hangnail

*Image created with Polyvore

The Memory-Making Machine

That was when I invented it. The Memory-Making Machine. Admittedly, the proto-type was relatively crude, but still, patenting a device that elicits memories? Pure gold!

Once it is securely fastened to the cranium, a simple manipulation of the machine's lever can produce amazing effects. The lever works much like a joystick; move it up, and viola! A nostalgic memory from childhood. Move it down, and a warm or romantic recollection pops into the wearer's mind. Left generates random remembrances - great for Trivial Pursuit! And right? Well, you probably don't want to move it right.

Although there was some criticism of early models of the Memory-Making Machine, mostly due to some unfortunate incidents of brain hemorrhaging, its wearer-fatality rate has dropped significantly since the scissors lever was replaced with a less sharp implement. And, based on user feedback, wearers now also have the option to turn off the regurgitated memory ticker!

Memory Machine

Story created from the prompt: "That was when I invented it."  This prompt was furnished by the site Adam Maxwell's Fiction Lounge. For this site or other helpful writing prompt sites, check out:

 http://www.bubblews.com/news/1103708-how-to-chase-away-bubblews-burnout 

Image: "Memory Machine," created with Polyvore.

Memory-Making Machine, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  First published on bubblews.com.  This also appeared in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

If Only They Had Left the Goldfish

Their ability to abscond was severely hampered by the insistence of bringing along the goldfish.

"I told you we shouldn't bring the damned goldfish!" Jack growled at her through gritted teeth.

"Goldie is part of the family! How could I leave her behind? Who would feed her?" Laura sniffled, looking tearful.

"Would you just be quiet? They'll hear us!" Jack snarled in an angry whisper.

He silently cursed in frustration. He loved Laura, but did she have to talk all the time? It was bad enough that she had forced him to lug this stupid fish bowl around. It was cumbersome, and water sloshed out of it with every step he took, soaking his shirt.

"Oh my god, Jack! Jack!" she exclaimed loudly. "Jack, we have to go back! I forgot the fish food!" she screeched, digging frantically in her purse.

"Shhh!" Jack urged her. But it was too late. Her voice had carried, and every hungry, shambling corpse in a two block radius tilted its head with interest at the noise, and then, in unison, they all began to limp toward Jack and Laura.

He had thought that damned goldfish was probably going to get them both killed, but now he realized Laura's talking would do the job first. He set the fish bowl down and prepared to die.

Story created from the prompt: "Their ability to abscond was severely hampered by the insistence of bringing along the goldfish." 

This prompt was furnished by the site Adam Maxwell's Fiction Lounge. For this site or other helpful writing prompt sites, check out:

 http://www.bubblews.com/news/1103708-how-to-chase-away-bubblews-burnout 

Image: "Self-Consumption," created with Polyvore. 

If Only They Had Left the Goldfish, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  First published on bubblews.com.  It also appears (adapted) in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

Perpetual Presence

Faded Dreams - created with Polyvore

Are you tired of relationships that inevitably end? Of children that grow up and move away? Of pets with inconveniently short life spans?

Introducing the Perpetual Presence!

With the Perpetual Presence, your house need never feel “too empty” again! Leave behind those feelings of discontent or gnawing loneliness. The Perpetual Presence is scientifically proven to mimic the subconscious effects of human companionship. It emits a steady stream of low level vibrations, giving you the physical sense that you are never alone. And if you crave feedback, that’s no problem – the Perpetual Presence has an impressive array of mood settings that allow it to respond to your voice. For example, you can set your Presence to gently glow, hum, or emit soothing ocean noises! Just listen to these customer testimonials: 
     “It’s like having an elderly parent in the house – but without all the messy cleanup!” – Sally Macadoodle, Florida. 
     “I’ve never felt such a sense of security in my life. My Perpetual Presence never judges, and it will never leave!” – Matilda Snickerbottom, Wisconsin. 
     “I’ll admit, it does sit there like a bit of lump, but so did my ex-husband – at least the Presence has a much more pleasant personality!” – Wanda Fluttersnert, Maine. 

Millions of Americans are already enjoying newfound contentment thanks to Perpetual Presence. Call today to get your own Presence – and piece of mind! And for even greater emotional support, try our new Perpetual Cuddler - available in terrycloth!

Revitalizing the Rhapsody in Lime Blog

In the next few weeks, I will begin the arduous process of refurbishing my blog (which, admittedly, has fallen into a bit of a state of disrepair).

Bubblews' site has changed ownership and is now an utterly pointless place for housing posts (I've literally earned 1 cent in a year there), so I will be transferring that content here in addition to posting new stuff.

Additionally, my website is back up and nearing a state of completion.  Whew!

So, in summary, please stay tuned!  :)