The Virtues of Good Posture

For years, her mother had drilled it into her. 

"Sit up straight! You'll ruin your posture!" 

In Sally's household, good posture was next to godliness. 

"Only slackers slump!" her mother always cautioned as she put her daughter through rigorous posture exercises for hours each day. These initially involved balancing a book on her head but grew more elaborate and difficult as Sally got older and her mother got more OCD. 

One day, while balancing a large stack of garden stones on her forehead, Sally's neck unexpectedly gave out and her head fell off her shoulders with an unceremonious "plop." 

Although racked with guilt for subjecting her daughter to such arduous (and, as it had turned out, dangerous) exercises, Sally's mother couldn't help but feel a secret hint of pride when she saw how straight her daughter lay in her coffin.

Improving Posture and Balance

The Virtues of Good Posture, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  This also appears in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

For similar absurd meanderings, check out the following: 

Mothballs Could Have Saved Her

Samantha, the Coupon Queen

Such a Shame

The Hangnail

*Image created with Polyvore

The Memory-Making Machine

That was when I invented it. The Memory-Making Machine. Admittedly, the proto-type was relatively crude, but still, patenting a device that elicits memories? Pure gold!

Once it is securely fastened to the cranium, a simple manipulation of the machine's lever can produce amazing effects. The lever works much like a joystick; move it up, and viola! A nostalgic memory from childhood. Move it down, and a warm or romantic recollection pops into the wearer's mind. Left generates random remembrances - great for Trivial Pursuit! And right? Well, you probably don't want to move it right.

Although there was some criticism of early models of the Memory-Making Machine, mostly due to some unfortunate incidents of brain hemorrhaging, its wearer-fatality rate has dropped significantly since the scissors lever was replaced with a less sharp implement. And, based on user feedback, wearers now also have the option to turn off the regurgitated memory ticker!

Memory Machine

Story created from the prompt: "That was when I invented it."  This prompt was furnished by the site Adam Maxwell's Fiction Lounge. For this site or other helpful writing prompt sites, check out:

 http://www.bubblews.com/news/1103708-how-to-chase-away-bubblews-burnout 

Image: "Memory Machine," created with Polyvore.

Memory-Making Machine, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  First published on bubblews.com.  This also appeared in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

If Only They Had Left the Goldfish

Their ability to abscond was severely hampered by the insistence of bringing along the goldfish.

"I told you we shouldn't bring the damned goldfish!" Jack growled at her through gritted teeth.

"Goldie is part of the family! How could I leave her behind? Who would feed her?" Laura sniffled, looking tearful.

"Would you just be quiet? They'll hear us!" Jack snarled in an angry whisper.

He silently cursed in frustration. He loved Laura, but did she have to talk all the time? It was bad enough that she had forced him to lug this stupid fish bowl around. It was cumbersome, and water sloshed out of it with every step he took, soaking his shirt.

"Oh my god, Jack! Jack!" she exclaimed loudly. "Jack, we have to go back! I forgot the fish food!" she screeched, digging frantically in her purse.

"Shhh!" Jack urged her. But it was too late. Her voice had carried, and every hungry, shambling corpse in a two block radius tilted its head with interest at the noise, and then, in unison, they all began to limp toward Jack and Laura.

He had thought that damned goldfish was probably going to get them both killed, but now he realized Laura's talking would do the job first. He set the fish bowl down and prepared to die.

Story created from the prompt: "Their ability to abscond was severely hampered by the insistence of bringing along the goldfish." 

This prompt was furnished by the site Adam Maxwell's Fiction Lounge. For this site or other helpful writing prompt sites, check out:

 http://www.bubblews.com/news/1103708-how-to-chase-away-bubblews-burnout 

Image: "Self-Consumption," created with Polyvore. 

If Only They Had Left the Goldfish, Alisha Adkins, copyright 2013.  First published on bubblews.com.  It also appears (adapted) in the Abecedary of the Absurd as part of the collection Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, second edition.

Perpetual Presence

Faded Dreams - created with Polyvore

Are you tired of relationships that inevitably end? Of children that grow up and move away? Of pets with inconveniently short life spans?

Introducing the Perpetual Presence!

With the Perpetual Presence, your house need never feel “too empty” again! Leave behind those feelings of discontent or gnawing loneliness. The Perpetual Presence is scientifically proven to mimic the subconscious effects of human companionship. It emits a steady stream of low level vibrations, giving you the physical sense that you are never alone. And if you crave feedback, that’s no problem – the Perpetual Presence has an impressive array of mood settings that allow it to respond to your voice. For example, you can set your Presence to gently glow, hum, or emit soothing ocean noises! Just listen to these customer testimonials: 
     “It’s like having an elderly parent in the house – but without all the messy cleanup!” – Sally Macadoodle, Florida. 
     “I’ve never felt such a sense of security in my life. My Perpetual Presence never judges, and it will never leave!” – Matilda Snickerbottom, Wisconsin. 
     “I’ll admit, it does sit there like a bit of lump, but so did my ex-husband – at least the Presence has a much more pleasant personality!” – Wanda Fluttersnert, Maine. 

Millions of Americans are already enjoying newfound contentment thanks to Perpetual Presence. Call today to get your own Presence – and piece of mind! And for even greater emotional support, try our new Perpetual Cuddler - available in terrycloth!

Revitalizing the Rhapsody in Lime Blog

In the next few weeks, I will begin the arduous process of refurbishing my blog (which, admittedly, has fallen into a bit of a state of disrepair).

Bubblews' site has changed ownership and is now an utterly pointless place for housing posts (I've literally earned 1 cent in a year there), so I will be transferring that content here in addition to posting new stuff.

Additionally, my website is back up and nearing a state of completion.  Whew!

So, in summary, please stay tuned!  :)

This Weekend's Give-Aways

Free this weekend at Amazon: 

The Carrier, a short story -- When Marsha engages in unprotected intercourse with Lydia's zombie, she unwittingly becomes a carrier of STZ - Sexually Transmitted Zombiism. But maybe transmitting the infection isn't such a bad idea... 

and...

Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds (second edition) - newly revised with never-before-seen, extra-twisted material!

What lies beneath the masks that people wear? 

In Twisted Tales for Twisted Minds, you might just be afraid to find out. Delve beneath the surface and meet a host of disturbing characters, including a seemingly perfect family that gets the genetic pet of their dreams, a pair of tattoo artists who wind up with some unusual canvasses, and a little boy who acquires a zombie as his new best friend. 

This collection of dark, twisted short stories and flash fiction serves up a smorgasbord of horrific fare with heaping ironic sides. Stories include "A Boy and His Zombie," "Dynamic Genetix," "An Eye for an Eye," and "A Few Steps Away." 

Prepare to be disturbed!

What Short Story Is Free at Amazon this Weekend?

6/5/2015 -
Free this weekend at Amazon: The Help, the first short story in the Dead Lay saga.  Dead Lay is a tongue-in-cheek collection of short stories that chronicle the adventures of Lydia, a libidinous middle-aged woman, and Heracles, her accomodating zombie man servant.  Be sure to grab The Help while its free this weekend - love it or hate it, it's sure to be different from any other zombie story you've ever encountered!

Pulling the Equipment out of Storage

5/28/2015 -
Just a quick update:

This weekend, "The Equipment," a tongue-in-cheek short story about a libidinous middle-aged woman and her zombie man servant, will be free to download at Amazon.  Enjoy! 

After an Extended Absence...

I had to step away for a while, but now I seem to have returned... Expect an overhaul to the site in the next week or so.

For now, here is a schedule of upcoming FREE Amazon give-aways:

• May 23 - The Factory (short story)
• May 24 - A Boy and His Zombie (short story)             
•               - Abecedary of the Absurd (flash fiction collection)
• May 25 - Abecedary of the Absurd (flash fiction collection)

More to come soon!